Пример эссе TOEFL с комментариями (TOEFL Writing: Essay) — 1

Думаю, было бы полезно увидеть несколько примеров живых эссе. В конце я рискнула кратко прокомментировать каждое из них.


 Many people believe that it is very important to make large amounts of money, while others are satisfied to earn a comfortable living. Analyze each viewpoint and take a stand. Give specific reasons for your position.  

In my opinion it is very important to have much money, because it gives many opportunities like good health, first-class education for children. Also, money can be used to save time. Despite somebody could say that making larger amount of money leads stress, I think that lack of money and, as a result, poor health, bad education and lack of time, leads more stress.

First, health is very important for everybody, so any responsible person tries to avoid smoking, drinking, but to do sports and to eat organic products. Also, health insurance is very useful. In fact, health promotion requires a lot of money. For example, organic product are twice expensive than non organic, fitness club with a personal instructor is not as cheap as trainings behind TV. Moreover, in the United States medical insurance is very expensive. So health requires money.

Second reason I think large amount of money is important is that money can save time. A person who earns money just for comfortable living can not afford a gardener to take care of garden, can not afford a cleaner to clear house. Also, this person need to plan his or her trip very accurate, because he or she can not afford flight with flexible dates. Hence money gives an opportunity not to spend time on boring things like cleaning and creating  accurate trip plans.

Finally, nowadays high-level education is not cheap. Everybody wants his or her kid graduates from a prestige university, because it is the first step to success career in the future. So it is important to have much many to pay tuition.

In conclusion, I have shown that making large amounts of many is very important, because it gives opportunities to have good health, to save time and to afford high-level education for children.

 

Данное эссе четко и правильно структурировано, в соответствии с требованиями экзамена. Даны точные и понятные подтверждения своей позиции, приведены примеры. За структуру и логику оценка должна быть высокой. Есть грамматические ошибки.  Например:» For example, organic product are twice expensive than non organic…», правильно фраза должна звучать так: «…,organic products are twice as expensive as non organic…». Есть неправильно использованные слова. Например: «Despite somebody could say that making…». Но все эти недочеты и ошибки не искажают, и не меняют общего смысла написанного. А для проверяющих это главное. Следовательно, общий балл за такое эссе может быть довольно высоким.

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